Life must Go On

I failed. I was too nervous. I slipped up.

But I would be even more stupid if I allow the anger and self-hate to continue to ruin the rest of my life.

"When there's a will, there's a way." If it fails, so what? How about top-up degree? Yes, it sounds pretty bad. But think of it this way:

You only need one more year to finish a degree, which is one year faster than those who're admitted into the advanced standing II places. If I transfer this negative energy into a motive to push me do better in my assignments and exams, there's still hope! I can still strive for an excellent grade in this semester! Don't you give up, Joyce! You're not that weak! (Tho you're sometimes a freaking coward) Don't let it pull you down and sink. You have to promise yourself to be the best among your classmates. Begin your new life again! Who knows what the future holds? It may be a better path for you outside. What you should do is to fight for being a First Honour graduate, and prove to employers what you've got!

Don't you give up. :)

Be your own best friend. Never beat yourself up again. Never. It just never end up well.

Embrace your imperfections. Allow yourself to make mistakes. One mistake won't cause an apocalypse. You still deserve to be happy. Don't punish yourself anymore.

Again, if you don't love yourself. No one loves you and see the good in you. Cos' when you hate yourself and feel inferior, it shows, and people will perceive you as exactly what you perceive yourself as.

Now, stand up and fight! There're more wars ahead waiting for you, and you have to overcome them one by one, until you can cross the finish line. Whether you win or not, it isn't important. What really matters is what you can learn along the journey and be a better self after all.

Stop comparing yourself to the others. It's only an endless road filled with pain and inferiority.

Look at yourself and see what you CAN do in the future, not what you've done wrong in the past.

Love yourself and everyone around you, learn to be a better self and live your life to the fullest. :D

Can't Forgive Myself

When I can usually be an A grade student, why would I chose to slip up at the MOST important interview and got a somewhat C grade?

My performance in the interview wasn't graded, but it feels like I have gotten a C grade. The moment it was finished, I knew that they would kick me out.

For the first time, I have succeeded... in giving my worst performance and showing the worst side of me which I have neither seen before.

The worst thing is I know that even if I'm unprepared, I can do 500% better than that, and I could ensure that I got admitted. I am the right person. But they just didn't see it cos' I didn't allow that part of me to shine. Instead, I unleashed my negative, weak, coward part out to embarrass and hurt myself.

I can't forgive myself. I just can't. I had a golden opportunity and I blew it. I had a high proficiency of English and I didn't show it. I am confident and positive but I acted lame and negative. 

What could be worst?!

So much pressure... I let down so many people, including myself. I could have proved to them what I can do, but I just freaking let my nerves blew it.

It seems to be the start of self-punishment as if the loss has not been painful enough...

Interview Failure Analysis

Dating back to 2 weeks ago, from being hopeless for a bachelor degree to receiving an interview invitation letter, I have been so nervous and have been preparing for the interview ever since.

It's the first time I have ever prepared for an interview, not even when I interviewed for the associate degree, nor in the UE exam. I was almost fearless and everything were impromptu yet excellent and confident.

Today is the big day, and guess what? I was given a chance and I freaking blew it. I performed way worse than 2 years ago when I had the UE oral exam or the associate degree interview. Everything just went wrong and almost disastrous all of a sudden. I never thought that I could perform that bad. Indeed I've never been that inarticulate ever before.

To be honest, I can't bear with the failure cos' I've never failed in any interview of similar structure, and I have always been fluent and able to deliver exactly what I want to express. Basically I have no difficulty in English communication at all. 

But this time, I failed. I failed thoroughly. 

1. The biggest mistake is doing preparation. I should have realized that I can't memorize well, and if I try to, I usually would stumble upon words and get so nervous, which won't end up well.
2. Comparing myself with the other candidates is completely unnecessary. The more I tried to admire how great the others are doing, the more I forgot that I can actually do the same, and most of the times I can push myself to perform way better.
3. Confidence is the key. Whatever you're trying to convey, no matter how good or how vague the content is, the interviewer would be impressed if you're saying it from your heart with confidence, a smile and enthusiasm.
4. When it's over, move on. No matter how you did in the interview, nothing is reversible. As the proverb goes, "let bygones be bygones". Let it be and carry on with your life.

The 4th point is actually easier said than done. I can't move on except wallowing in self-pity. I really can't hate myself more. It's all my fault. Every decision I made has led to where I am today. I have no one else but myself to blame on. I'll never forgive myself. The interview means the world to me and yet I was dumb enough to let my nerves got the best of me. Everything I have been fighting for and all the efforts I've put forward seemed to have vanished within that 15 minutes. 

Are 15 minutes really enough to determine whether to admit a student or not?

What if I was given an individual interview instead? Would the situation be turned around?

What if I had not prepared and just walk in impromptu? What if I had calmed down to allow myself to have a clear mind for the discussion?

I definitely would perform better. But so what? There's no second chance. A missed opportunity is a missed opportunity. I'll just take it as a painful reminder on my journey to future success.

YOU are Your Biggest Enemy

When we feel nervous over some important events coming soon, whether it's a big project, a presentation, or an interview, there're always so much noises in our head.

There seems to be an angel and a demon living inside. "You can do it! Don't disappoint yourself and everyone around you. Show them what you've got and kick some asses!" "No, you can't. You're just too weak. Look how strong your competitors are. Everyone just want to see you fail."

To a certain extent, the heated arguments may even turn into an intense fight. One of them may get terribly injured, while the other one will just take over the situation.

If it is the demon who is promoted to be the Director of your brain, it is highly possible that you won't succeed under such mindset.

In order to turn the situation around...

Remember, YOU are WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE. 

Trust yourself. Don't beat yourself up. The power comes from within, so does the enemy.

Let Go of Resentment

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” ― Nelson Mandela

When you're mad at someone, it doesn't do any harms to them, but to yourself instead.

We need to have empathy, i.e. the ability to step into their shoes and understand that they're hurting you because they have problems in themselves.

Although it's very hard, we need to learn to forgive and live our lives.

Stand Up & Fight

Everyone has their own story. It's fine to feel sad. Cos' it proves that we're human.